‘Be Careful’
During my twenty years (or so) of dating, I had many well-meaning people in my life say ‘be careful’ in response to sharing my latest love interest. It was intended as some form of positive advice, I’m sure. But they were saying something that was basically unintelligible to me. No matter how hard I tried, I was constitutionally unable to fathom this advice.
‘Be careful?’ I would say to myself incredulously. ‘How do I be careful? I’m not exactly going to meet a random stranger down a dark alleyway at night, am I? So what do they mean? Be Careful. Hmph!’
I could only presume they meant not to invest in the relationship emotionally; something I could not to do. Since I was only capable of wholeheartedly embracing any given life situation, including dating, I refused to ‘be careful.’
It is therefore impossible for me to tell you how to be careful, other than to suggest you don’t put yourself in risky situations with people you don’t know very well. However, I can offer advice on the opposite of being careful, that is, loving fearlessly and living wholeheartedly. So, let’s dive in.
When you are dating a person, what is your intention deep down? Really think about it, honestly. Are you attempting to persuade your suitor into a relationship by convincing them you’re their perfect mate? Or are you being discerning and honest in order to decide if you are suited to one another?
In my book, ‘Finding the One- a Practical Guide to Manifesting Your Soul Mate,’ I highlight the importance of understanding that not everyone can be ‘the one.’ When you’re dating, take note of whether you are trying to appear favourable in the eyes of your potential partner, rather than just being yourself. Do you attenuate your behaviour or withhold vital information because you feel it might make you seem less desirable?
Now, I’m not referring to vulgar divulgence of your personal hygiene routines (those things come to light when you start living in close quarters). I’m referring to simple things that you might be uncomfortable sharing (should you be judged) but are essential parts that you cannot or do not wish to change. For example, perhaps you are a vegetarian and you’re afraid your date might disapprove, so you hide it as long as possible.
If it’s something you feel strongly about, perhaps it’s best to be honest. People who have differing beliefs can be together, as long as they have mutual respect for each other’s views but you won’t find out whether you can be yourself around a person unless you take the risk and actually be yourself. This is why I don’t gel with the philosophy of ‘being careful’ in relationships. If you withhold who you are to try and win the other person over, it is ultimately deceitful and counterproductive to finding your ideal mate.
If you treat your dating life as if you’re going for multiple job interviews just because you need a job to earn money, you will disempower yourself. When you need a job for money, the employer has the upper-hand and you will bend over backwards to impress during the interview, even if the job isn’t your preference.
You may like to consider treating your dating life as a job interview where you already have abundance and you’re wanting a career for the joy of it; not because you feel you desperately need it. Ask questions to find out what they also have to offer you and be honest if discrepancies emerge, suggesting that the partnership isn’t an ideal arrangement.
Yes, it can be scary to be who you are and if you’re shy, it can take a little while to open up. This is perfectly understandable. It stems from a fear of being hurt and a fear of rejection. But wouldn’t it be best to be rejected for who you are rather than something you’re not? Sure, it can be brutal to be rejected when you’re being genuine but you won’t find the people who love you for who you are unless you be who you are. So, if you are shy, roll with that, steer into the skid and let yourself be shy. Why not let them know you’re shy and it takes you a while to open up? That is being truly authentic and when you find the right people, they will support and appreciate you, exactly as you are.
The best remedy to alleviate trepidation in order to be who you are is to be present. I share many tools and techniques for being present in my book, so I won’t go into great detail here. But just quickly, your mind is capable of delving into the past and worrying about the future. It can imagine all kinds of scenarios, none of which you can cope with right now because they are not real in this moment. They’re projections; figments of your imagination and impossible to combat. The body, however, can only be here and now. That is precisely why many meditations guide you to focus upon your breathing. Your breath is a phenomenon exclusive to your body, which can only be here and now. Bringing your focus to your body, causes your mind to attend to something in the present moment. Here and now, your future concerns do not exist. Anchoring your awareness in the now can assuage any anxiety and help you to be genuine.
When you practice presence, you will open a portal for your true nature to shine forth. As you allow all that you are to flow into this world, you will become aware of how secure and assured you are, irrespective of your life circumstances. This is a solid foundation from which to love another. You can throw caution to the wind and love fiercely because you know the depths of your being can never be disturbed by that which occurs on the surface of life.
Be bold. Be present. Know who you are to the very core of your being. As you connect with the depths of all that you are, you will know that ‘nothing real can be threatened.’* Who you really are is beyond any turbulence that life provides and if you can be still from time to time, you will come know this with absolute certainty. You will love like no other because you will revel in life and all it has to offer you, simply for the joy of it.
* Helen Schucman A Course in Miracles 1976
