Dissolving the Conditioned Past in You
As a child, I was blessed with some challenging circumstances, however, I didn’t consider these ‘blessings’ until much later in life. It wasn’t until the age of twenty-six, when my mother and I had a heart-to-heart, that I verbally acknowledged the many gifts of my childhood for the first time. Through sobs of tears my mother said to me, ‘I’m so sorry Rach. No little girl should ever have to deal with what you went through!’ I responded, ‘I wouldn’t be the person I am today if things had been different; I wouldn’t change a thing and there’s nothing to forgive ma.’ And I meant it. With nothing but love and appreciation flowing out of me. I meant it truly and deeply. I still wasn’t done healing but I could cognitively appreciate the flow-on effect of these earlier events. I marvel at the serendipity surrounding this seemingly spontaneous conversation. At the time, we were unaware that she would pass away three years later.
At sixteen years old, mum was just a child when she gave birth to me. She was a child when she married. She was a child when she divorced. She was a child when she raised me and when she began dating men who were struggling with their emotional regulation, addictions and violence. They didn’t know any better. And as an adult, I no longer blame them. I appreciate how challenging it is to step out of the pain that is raging through you; the pain that has been passed down generation after generation with nobody really knowing how to manage it. Of course, they turned to substances! Of course, they turned to violence! Nobody taught them how to step out of that cycle of pain. Nobody told them it was even possible. It wasn’t taught in schools and still isn’t. How can we expect our parents to act beyond their experience, beyond their learning, beyond what was modelled to them when they themselves were children? Nobody ever told my mother, ‘You are worthy; you are good enough and you do not have to do anything to prove your worth. You are perfect as you are. You are adored beyond measure.’ And it is possible, nobody has told you that either.
So, in this blog, I want to tell you ‘Yes, it is really hard sometimes’ and that is a massive understatement. I’m not going to deny the challenges you face, as you move towards who you really are. If you have pain raging inside of you, you push it away, you try to be a ‘good’ person and ‘fail’ at times. You try to prove yourself. You work hard. You try to keep busy. You pay your bills and try not to judge others. You do your best to be civil but the world can be a really harsh place sometimes. People do things that are horrendous and seemingly insane. There are victims and there are perpetrators and what is the point of it all?
Well, I am not going to pretend to understand the inner workings of the absolute. I am just going to bring this back to us, back to you, back to now. You see, all of this will come to pass. Everything on this planet in its current form, will one day dissolve, fade and cease to be. This thought, once upon a time, made me feel a deep sense of sadness and nostalgia. But now, it is liberating and here is why. Remember when you were a dear little child and death was incomprehensible to you? There is a reason for this! You were aware of your continuity then! You knew your wellbeing! You knew you were a powerful being around which the universe revolved. You can, in this moment, reconnect with the vastness and stillness of the timeless you; the you who is beyond the heartaches of the world. Why then, if you were once able to access the timelessness, would you abandon this perspective? Well, life happened. Through watching others and interacting with the world, you began living what was modelled to you; viewing the world through concepts, mental constructs and your past conditioning. All of that has its place and some of it has served you well. But this distracts you from the purity of your being; the place where you dwell; the place where you are. You can clean up your conditioning, your thoughts and your beliefs but the pain will still creep in from time to time. Even when the pain dissolves, living through your mind-made concepts of self is ultimately dissatisfying.
My work is to help you navigate the painful times when they emerge. That pain initially showed up for a good reason. It wants to be acknowledged but it isn’t who you are. The pain is a side-effect of the really challenging things that have happened to you when you were unable to debrief those events in any helpful way. So, we can peel back the layers and begin to heal. I am here to help you be aware of that which does not serve you. We can shed light on the unhelpful past that is acting through you. As you observe that which is not you, you can step into who you really are, and begin shedding those old patterns. It’s true, this work isn’t easy for those of you with a seemingly insurmountable burden of past pain but I assure you, it is the most rewarding journey a person could ever embark upon. Oh, and as for who you are; ‘You are worthy; you are good enough and you do not have to do anything to prove your worth. You are perfect as you are. You are adored beyond measure.’
