The Truth About Finding the One

I grew up in a bit of a chaotic environment as a child. My parents were teenagers when I was born and they divorced when I was a baby. And then my teenage mother met a guy. He was old-school, stern and heavy-handed with discipline. He was also particularly inconsistent with his rules, which forced me to be very astute in my observation of others because I believed that my survival depended on it. I had to become sensitive to the non-verbal cues of the main authority figure in my life in order to avert ‘disaster.’

I was lucky to be from a broken home because I was raised by a number of individuals within my extended family and I received ample variety. I had the opportunity to experience my main household, which had its share of drama. And I got to live in middle-class households that were relatively peaceful.

Just the other day, my partner and I were reflecting on how a lot of spiritual teachers have experienced suffering in early life. And I wholeheartedly believe that I was born in exactly the right place, at exactly the right time. In my childhood, I was able to sense the incredible value in all that I was living. I could feel powerful spiritual understandings awakening within me as well as a keen awareness of the human condition.

In my teen years, however, I forgot this and floundered my way through life, creating chaos as I went. And yes, even this self-inflicted chaos had a purpose. When I was ready, it forced me to go deeper; it forced me to seek reprieve from the emotional turmoil.    

All this time, I had a deep longing to find one who would understand me, who would complete me and who would make all of the pain go away. It’s likely that Disney films had conditioned me to believe in fairy-tail romances, where you would meet your other half, fall in love, encounter some seemingly insurmountable obstacle, overcome it and then, your problems would magically dissolve and you would live happily ever after; all within the timespan of about an hour and a half.

And so, as a teenage girl, I began dating, in search of my one and only; the one who would fix it all. But I didn’t encounter my fairy-tale romance. Instead, I encountered horny teenage boys. Since I was optimistic to a fault, it took me a very long time to realise that not every person was looking for a fairy-tale romance.

My struggles and suffering forced me to go within. If I had been one of those people who had a (seemingly) blessed and easy upbringing, I would never have become the person I am. And so, I am appreciating my past and all that I am, more with each day that passes and yes, it is a work in progress.

In those early years of awakening, my suffering was so great, that I desperately sought reprieve by throwing myself into my meditation and yoga practice. I nearly became a renunciate (true story). I kept doing the inner work that needed to be done, all the while secretly hoping that I would meet a gorgeous, spiritually aware, young man at one of my meditation retreats or at the ashram.

In those days, however, the demographic of people attending meditation retreats didn’t exactly fall into the eligible bachelor category, so there were slim pickings in that department. I did meet a young guy at the ashram once and enjoyed a brief whirlwind romance, Disney style. It lasted about as long as the real-life equivalent of a Disney film.

I was heartbroken because I was sure he had been the one for me. You see, a few years earlier, I had a premonition of meeting my soul mate. I was eighteen when he came to me, once upon a dream. And I knew. I knew he was the one for me. I knew that he would find me at just the right time. I knew that I need not concern myself with when or how or where we would meet. My only task was to live my life. I also knew that he had blonde hair, blue eyes, olive skin and our union would be incredibly blissful. My ashram man fit the description perfectly (from what I could tell), so you can imagine my confusion when it ended prematurely. I was reluctant to let him go.

Throughout my twenties, I was always hoping to alleviate my suffering. I was always hoping to find something to make me feel better. In fact, everything I did was because I believed it would make me feel better.

I found peace only once I was able to access the spaciousness underneath my ‘doing’. I found peace only once I was able to relinquish attachment to my form identity and connect more deeply with the timeless essence that remains when all forms dissolve. In a way, it’s fortunate that there were no ‘distractions’ at the ashram in the form of attractive, single, young men.

While I am not enlightened at present (some of you will see the irony in that), I have had moments of ‘samadhi’ or glimpses of enlightenment. I am blessed to have experienced realms of indescribable bliss, timeless wisdom and the most profound love imaginable. And I know that we all have access to this place, if only we happen upon the right circumstances or the right teachers to guide us there.

But it was only when I had begun to realise my true oneness and connectedness with all of life consistently, when I was able to know my completeness all on my own, that I finally found the love I had been seeking all of those years.

It had been within me, all along. And then, I stopped fretting over the absence of my beloved. I used techniques of meditation and self-hypnosis to fall in love with life. I used a variety of tools and techniques to get out and live the life of my dreams. I accepted that perhaps it was my destiny to find my beloved well after my child-bearing years and I made peace with that. I fell in love with my life situation and with myself so deeply that I did not even care anymore if he found me or not. I refused to compromise because I loved being alone so much that I did not want to be in the company of a man unless he was everything I wished for and more. I had a rule that unless I loved being with a man as much as I loved being alone, I did not wish to spend time with him.  

And so, I went about my days, in love with life, spending time in the ocean and outdoors, meditating and feeling incredible. Until one day, I was surprised to discover that I could actually feel him with me. He was in my life in essence. I knew he was with me. And this is the thing about manifestation; once you have achieved it in essence, it is yours. Everything you want is already within you. If you can find the feeling of it and live consistently as though it is your emotional reality, it must find you.

I share techniques in ‘Finding the One’ to find the feeling that you wish your manifestation will produce, to conjure this feeling and to return to it often. It is from this space that your desire must be delivered to you.

Your reality is subjective. This has been proved by modern psychology on numerous occasions. You are capable of taking in extraordinary amounts of information. You are capable of perceiving so much, in fact, that you would become overwhelmed were you inclined to give all of it your conscious attention.

If you took all of the external stimuli in, you would go crazy but here’s where things get interesting. Your past experiences and beliefs are shaping what details you attend to. If you believe that people always reject you, for example, you will be looking for signs of rejection. You will notice behaviours that indicate rejection or you will be drawn to people whom you sense will reject you. You will notice signs of rejection more readily than signs of acceptance and any rejection will stand out to you as being particularly painful and therefore, more memorable.

But what if you notice different cues from your world? What if you could notice acceptance rather than rejection? What if your entire world could shift to mirror your desires?

Manifestation is about retraining your brain to attend to new and different details. You can program different decisions, different timing, select different people to spend time with and notice different things. You can tailor your experience of reality to match your desire.

‘Finding the One’ will give you the foundation for making those changes.

Oh and I almost forgot! Once I had achieved the feeling of being in love and when I felt this way consistently for two weeks, I finally found him! It was my day off work. The sun was shining. I decided to catch up with a dear friend but of course, I had to check the surf report first. I met my friend for breakfast and then I went surfing. The water was cold so I decided to warm up in the sun afterwards. And then, I saw him and I knew. I knew I had to meet him and I knew he was the one I had dreamt about all those years ago. Our union was blissful, easy and assured, just the way it had been in my premonition seventeen years earlier.

Six years on, I thank my lucky stars and I bless every brutal and every blissful experience I have ever had. For each one has led me to this moment. I am living the life of my dreams and better still, I have been gifted with the pleasure of sharing these wonderful lessons with you in ‘Finding the One.’

Wishing you all many blessings in life and in love xo