Publishing a Book is Terrifying
Writing a book is one thing. I mean, I am very blessed to be a content-producing machine. Seriously. Being a talker has really come in handy! Take that! All of those people who criticised me as a child!
So, yeah, I really enjoyed writing a book. I love channelling creative energy and riding the waves of inspiration as they crest and wane. But publishing a book was a whole other ball game!
In the final days of publishing, I was very surprised to experience upwellings of raw emotion; anxiety on steroids, bordering on sheer panic.
I am usually emotionally enriched but very accepting of this and happy to embrace what I feel. This results in a rather plateaued emotional experience, that is, peaceful, harmonious and enjoying a quiet and deep peace with occasional outbursts of neurosis.
I like this. I enjoy my body’s biochemistry and the vibrant emotions that I am blessed to experience as a part of my humanness. It has taken me a long time to make peace with my body and its natural rhythms. I have spent many years rewiring my thoughts to heal negative and bogus lessons from my childhood. Twenty years ago, I was naive in thinking that each time I found peace, I had found final enlightenment. Then the past pain would rear its ugly head again. In those desperate moments, I found myself asking; ‘How deep is this well of pain!? and ‘When? When will it end!?’
Twenty years later, I no longer ask these questions. I no longer seek to be enlightened or free of suffering. I understand that each moment is a choice. I have the tools and techniques that I need to be peaceful and happy but that doesn’t mean that I always choose to use them.
I am mostly balanced. But it is easy to be balanced in life when you are not being challenged. I am thankful that I have written and published a book for the very fact that it has challenged me enormously! It has allowed me to become aware of past pain that I was carrying, that has been holding me back from being ‘successful.’
And in those moments of almost unbearable, decidedly irrational anxiety, bordering on terror, there was a part of me that was conscious, aware and observant. I used the techniques from my book. I meditated and sat with awareness. I watched my breathing. If that failed, I diverted my attention to pleasing thoughts. I did things to make me feel good, such as vigorous exercise. I used visualisations to visit a special place I would holiday at as a child. I sat atop a mountain in the moonlight, allowing myself to become grounded, embraced by nature in my mind’s eye. When I was calm enough, I was visited by spirit guides who assisted in reassuring me that everything is absolutely perfect and that my lived experience is an invaluable contribution to the evolution of existence. I was reminded of the oneness, of which I am a part. Rather than feeling frightened, as an isolated fragment, I began to know my wellbeing.
The journey of healing this frightened part of me is not over. I am often amazed when there is something new to be healed and, in a way, I relish this process. I love reclaiming lost and fragmented parts of myself. I know that I am becoming whole once more.
Meditation has taught me so much. In meditation you usually have some sort of simple focus, such as your breathing, the flame of a candle, a chant or mantra (and the list goes on) and the idea is that you continue to return to this point of focus. You are diverting attention away from the turbulence of the mind, that can project itself into the past or the future and is often filled with troublesome speculations. When you do this, it is as though you are diving deep down into the depths of the ocean, rather than being washed around in the chaos at the surface. And just like the ocean, sometimes your mind is calm and still and sometimes it is big, messy and chaotic. When your mind is calm, being on the surface is pleasing. When it is stormy, you are more likely to survive if you dive down deeply.
So, in meditation, you have a point of focus. Usually, the mind wanders from this point of focus and you gently bring your awareness back to the focus (the present moment). Likewise, in life, we tend to move away from this centre of peace and get caught up in the mind, the busyness and the chaos at times. And when we realise this has happened, we just bring the awareness back to the moment, back to that centre of peace deep within.
Life is a macro version of meditation. When you practice bringing your mind back to the moment and releasing resistance in meditation, it becomes easier to return to your centre of peace in life.
Meditation has quite literally saved my life. And so, it is not surprising that I have written a whole chapter on it. With reviews coming in for my book, I am filled with joy to learn that it is achieving the very hope, healing and inspiration I had wished for.
If you are on the search for your beloved and wish to learn techniques to magnetise the romance of a lifetime to you or if you just want to learn about manifestation, you may like to have a read.
Wishing you many blessings on this crazy beautiful journey of life! xo
